Why?

By Bud Koenemund

For "Her."

You ask why I will not respond to calls;

Leaving communication neglected;

Letting silence greet appeals, as love falls

Discontented, and spirit’s infected?

Your indifference pierced my heart countless times.

Though, I confess, I granted admittance

To thy blade; an accomplice in these crimes;

Guilty, somehow, for want of resistance.

Still, you endure as muse: a soul’s agony –

Equal parts torment and inspiration –

Your face lingering in memory;

Ecstasy through pain: my devil’s bargain.

   Affection withered afflicted by lies;

   Yet, feigning ignorance, you ask me why?

Love: 1998 - 2016 (Part IV: Language Lesson)

By Bud Koenemund

For "Her."

‘Twas a muse who rendered my words useless;

Those I believed most sacred impotent

‘Fore her indifference, and each success

Tainted by reality: a heart rent;

Left without the one thing it desires;

Unable to woo, and incapable

Of forgetting; left burning in fires

Stoked by my own hand – inescapable

Torment. The pen, they say, wields more power

Than a sword, but passionate language pales

Compared to self-doubt, and fortune lours

O’er my naiveté as love lies veiled.

   The scars of this lesson may never heal;

   Wounds remaining forever uncongealed.

She Didn't Love Me the Way I Loved Her

By Bud Koenemund

For "Her."

She didn’t love me the way I loved her;

That truth is as simple as it is stark.

Yet, this acceptance can’t spark will censured,

Nor provide solace to my broken heart.

An ecstasy birthed at first sight was marred –

Devotion became steeped in a cauldron

Of pain – tortured by eyes ‘twould shame mere stars.

Deceived, desire led too near those suns,

And as passion soared, sanity melted;

Burned away in fires of apathy.

Still, madness can’t erase the fondness felt

While affection lives on in memory.

   Respect oft’ spoils through indifference,

   But, what’s pure won’t dim to maleficence.

You Don't Love Me, But You Won't Let Me Go

By Bud Koenemund

For "Her."

Fearing you've returned to hurt me again,
I crumble once more – left wondering what
I've done to deserve the unending pain
You inflict: the indifference which cuts
Through body and soul, infecting my mind
With doubt, and an anger that taints the heart –
Poisoning affection; leaving me blind
To delight, e'en as I seek a new start.
You don't love me, but you won't let me go.
And I, unable to resist, still trust
An illusion, just an idiot's hope,
Someday we'll rebuild passion from the dust.
   Dark Lady, I beg, understand my plea:
   Claim my hand…or forever set me free.

Thesaurize

By Bud Koenemund

Thesaurize: (verb) To think or believe a word means, or is synonymous with, something it does not or is not. Often used when referring to another person in a derogatory manner.

You were too fucking stupid to see you were getting what you want.

I was falling in love with you. – "Her."

I once believed love meant everything;

A yearning beyond real definition;

Passion built on devotion; cherishing

Another soul; becoming a bastion

'Gainst each defeat, and partner in the climb

Toward bliss. I would give all I am to feel

The momentary touch of such sublime

Emotion, offered with joy unconcealed.

But, you have schooled me in affection's new

Meaning: Indifference toward one who adores;

Evasion; leading sanity askew

When you speak of love, while in deed abhor.

   'Tis certain you're right; I'm a man 'twas blind;

   In consequence, my heart betrayed my mind.

Knowing

By Bud Koenemund

For "Her."

The worst thing about you leaving – again –
Is knowing in my soul you will come back.
Sure as the dark of night and April rain,
You'll return to heal yourself as you wrack
My sanity once more. I fear you'll wait
Until I've somehow patched together a
Heart you've crushed before. Alas, 'tis my fate
To be punished for the sin of love; flayed
Alive by your indifference; my will
Exiled to the wasteland of rejection,
And devotion exposed as a windmill
I charge heedless of my own destruction.
   Passion I held stronger than gravity
   Has yielded to painful lucidity.

Regret Drifts in the Afterglow of Dreams

For "Her."

Regret drifts in the afterglow of dreams
About you. It lingers like mist and wraps
Me slowly in bonds of spectral moonbeams
Which shroud my thoughts as defenses collapse;
The visions, once kaleidoscopic – now
Faded and yellow as old newspaper –
Distress my sleep with memories of vows
Shattered upon an indifferent altar;
Too oft' I wake and struggle with the foe
Inside my mind. And, while I seek a way
To expel your ghost, one thought still echoes:
I’ll remember you for another day.
I fear only death can bring lasting peace,
For 'til it comes my love will never cease.